Beliving in false thoughts

An old theme melted today. Before, I had to work for weeks and involve legal authorities to have a package I ordered sent to me and not to be picked up at a Post office 3 hours away. I have gone through this process twice before – a huge forgiveness opportunity – and this time, when the procedure repeated itself and I called the new firm, I connected with their consultant in a beautiful way. It turned out she lived close to me and offered to drive there and pick it up and bring it to me on the door! Now there is a good sign that something in the mind has shifted:)

Then she told me that the Post office would not deliver it to her. But she told me in a mail that I just had to write them (the firm)and tell them that I wanted the package delivered to me home address. I did that – and then the huge father came and swallowed me. Oh my God, look at that. I meant to write fear, not father.

Same thing

I realized how not-happy I was when it all was solved. Why in the world wouldn’t I be  ecstatic  that this pattern of self sabotage at last was resolved?

The answer was obvious: almost 100% of my childhood/youth personality was identified with  the  strategies for surviving. All the ways she/I had to get use to calm the father with the fear so he did not become a dangerous demon – all that has been labeled “me.”

I now experienced the possibility of being wrong in that identification – these strategies I had told myself was me, and had experienced myself to be, and believed myself to be – if I was wrong in this, what would be left?

A huge cry came, I had to sit down. Forgiving myself for believing in this false me, this survival-construct I had made.

And in some weird way, the father and the fear is one – I think about the Course-metaphysics reminding us that we as ego think the Father/God is out to punish us because we left – and so we made up a punishing vengeful god in our image, and do our best to placate him and be “good” – just as most abused persons try to be toward their abuser, if they have to live with him/her

So these “false deliveries,” and  the demands that i pick it up, or else I would have to pay a big punishing fee, were all reflections of my childhood:

pick up those false fear thoughts, or else you will pay, and maybe even imprisoned

I can only imprison myself

I have perpetuated the punishment to stay “me”

I am willing to be wrong about the value of this – and to be shown a peaceful and playful healing process

willing to let go of the lodging of pain and fear and identity in my mind,mirrored in this body I call mine

But it is all based on false thoughts

maybe the strongest false thought is the one that tells me that I am guilty and need to be punished – the very thought of separation

remembering to laugh now

I can not lose something I never had in reality, says Blue.Just my screwed up false perception.

Yes,please

It’s a book – not my body

I have discovered that what makes me so resistant to have my book published – is that I identity with it. This identity is connected to the little girl-victim-identity: I recognize now that I am equally afraid of somebody attacking the book, ridiculing it, wanting to destroy it, coming after me and destroying me, as that memory of the girl was afraid of this in her rapists.

It’s psychological understandable that I identity with my work – I think most of us do – that’s why we love medals and hate being fired. If they will judge my book and hate it, it is me they hate and judge – so it feels. But my book is not my body – although the explorations in it has been experienced through my body. But I am not my experiences. And after the morning blog here and the insights I know that what is most scary about my fears re the book’s becoming public is the stories I tell myself – that “I am that person whose job it is to be stalked and raped and punished. – And I don’t want to hold on to that belief.  I am not that story – and while I am saying that, some part of me says “you will never get rid of it.”

Truth is – writing this book has been great healing process. Others reading it and telling me that it teems with Love is a clear sign that it is NOT my body: it has come through me, which is a sign of my willingness to look at the story from a gentler place than the ego.

I wish to be free of these triggers into the story. I hope this time is a big step further. Kit shares an image: “It’s like when a  block of ice breaks off a glacier.”