Selfhatred – and Grace

For new followers:

I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me,  as a sort of diary. A place where I could  help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful  for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.

I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.

Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.

Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.

My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.

This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included  the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”

All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.

I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.

I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love

The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.


And now, another  sillybillynillywilly:

In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say












Resistance – a door to Heaven

Had a great regression session yesterday with a friend. The guidance coming through me was so loving and light-filled, and my friend released guilt and false beliefs.

The night was filled with tremendous cramps, and the morning after it felt like I was manipulated by pure hatred and contempt. I was well aware that I am not a victim of this – somehow I must believe that “this” is valuable and to be preferred over God’s Love. Amazing, but there it is: What we believe to be true, we create – and we create it WITH God’s immense power.

What is the gift in this? What is the opportunity to see here?

I go to Jayem’s website and there’s the answer:

Take a breath or several, and say out loud… ‘this obstacle is coming up for healing now.  Thank God!  It will hinder me no longer!’  Take a breath, observe what you feel, and repeat, until you notice the nervous system feels ‘complete’, as it settles in as truth. And healing is a release from the trapped energy that “holds” us away from the Self/Christ Mind. Stay with the terms exactly as they are given, and ALLOW these stuck places to emerge, breathe, and feel.  This alone will carry you into new illuminations about what these terms signify.  In short, Jeshua is a masterful teacher, and NOTHING he says, or terms chosen, is ever by accident.  Trust the teacher to carry the student into and through what the student has not found his or her way through as yet. You will recall from ACIM that He accomplished the Atonement, and thus it is done for us already.... now it’s just our willingness to accept or melt away into the truth He manifested

I had a session with Kit, and we talked about what happens when we “quarrel with reality.” Pain and discomfort, unexpected glitches, sickness and so on – as long as I believe it should not have happened, I am stuck in my endless stories about it and cannot see it with Christ’s loving vision. I realize that as long as I seem to be inside that maelstrom of cramps and pain, there is no trust at all in a Love that can embrace me AND the pain.

It is also clear that this pain – and whatever fuels it in my mind – must be allowed to have a space, without condemning it – or me.

So I have to know: there is a time to just BE WITH “hell” – and there is a time when to do the work I do in my work with regressions: supporting people to find out, with their own guide and Master at their side, what they are believing about themselves, and therefor are imbuing with guilt and self hatred. It is THIS that fuels ANY pain we have: what we tell ourselves about what we experience. The experience itself is always neutral – and only when we start our stories about it, with “me” as the main role, the tremendous power that God has given his Holy Son = US – flows through the story we have made: because we tell ourselves that we are right, and our perception is true.


If pain is involved, it simply isn’t.

For healing to happen in our mind, it is not enough to “know” what happened mentally – we need to experience forgiveness go through us.

What I see myself telling myself – constantly, like a stuck tape – is: “I CANT MAKE IT through this pain. I simply cannot “get there” – “there” being where freedom and forgiveness and Love is.

There is an abysmal grief inside this – and THIS is what I want to BE with.

As I stated in the start of this blog – I write this mainly for myself – and you will see me visiting the same places until I get it.

If somebody else can benefit, I am happy.

Nice PC-magic:Right now “Systems mechanics” gave a message that an important installation is up for downloading. I clicked the download-button, and an ugly sound and sign told me that this was impossible to do. I recognized the mirror of the big resistance I am writing about here, and instantly allowed it to be here, forgiving myself and embracing myself for being right here, now. 5 seconds later a new sign – as if nothing had happened: “ Are you willing to install the new download now?”

These electronic signs from Jesus are such gifts. Humoristic, and SO elegantly timed. The minute I accepted being with the resistance, without listening to the threatening stories about being stuck in hell, hell melted and the new download happened.


Hugging it instead of judging it

Skype sharing with Kit. Our common theme is an old trauma about becoming visible to others – and a tremendous fear about all of that. We realize that peace does not come from fixing this/understanding this – willingness is all it takes-willingness to allow Love to come to this theme, this old hidden wound in the mind
When Kit worked with the theme, I could “see” that as soon as she could allow herself to give “a hug” to the fear/trauma-area in the body -without doing any fixing at all – a channel was opened between the heart and the wound.
When it was my turn, I remembered an ongoing difficult situation between my daughter and me. Frequently when speaking to her , I feel a huge block in my brain – the words simply are not there. That makes me very nervous, and I do my “best” to find the words – in reality, I am resisting the block itself – instead of just mentally giving it a hug.
Oh the pressure.
I have told her many times that I lose my words – but I have never allowed myself to just BE with the wordlessness. It feels quite OK to do that, the next time we meet.
Kit and I agree that we see that all of this is HELD. Contained.
God holds this space the moment I chose to allow it – am willing to allow Love into it.
Suddenly I know what the real fear is about: it points to a belief that I have lost connection with my daughter on the spiritual plane. I see her and her husband as living a very materialistic life – but that is of course just my perception.
Kit: “What is right about this situation that is difficult to catch sight of?”
…Ahhh…I see that she and I have worked so wonderful in so many incarnations, and now we are mature enough to allow this last seeming hurdle to come up to be healed: the seeming break in spiritual connection. I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.
Oh. Maybe I will lose all contact with her. There is a nasty fear about that, lurking.
Ohmygod …she is a projection – I fear to lose MY connection to God
I have used her – I have used her this life – I have told myself – and her, subconsciously: “I am dependent on YOU to be able to feel God’s Presence. And THAT I believe in!
Now tears are cascading – I talk to my daughter : “ I cannot reach Him without you!”
Kit: “Ohh – Leelah -”
I feel a release as soon as I hear her say my name. She tells me she needs to say it. I cry from the bottom of my heart, from the agony of believing I MUST NOT lose contact with my daughter. My mind screams that if I lose contact with her, Satan instantly takes over. I have told myself that M is my ONLY lifeline to God.
Kit reminds me that these are scary thoughts only – “just thoughts that you believe in, but with no truth at all.”
Just neutral thoughts
Wild relieved crying
“Ohmygod, what an iron grip I have held her in subconsciously – the role as my one and only savior – no wonder she won’t talk about God …now an age old child voice inside me expresses itself with a vengeance: “If you won’t do this for me, I will DIE and it is YOUR FAULT!”
Ah. Listening to this agonized crying from myself, I see there’s no wonder there is often so much hate and anger between us. But this hatred is not connected to anything real and true at all between us. It just originates from my belief that she has to have that role to “save” me.
Kit: Leelah – how wonderful it is that you see this so clearly.
And I cry and cry that it is allowed to feel how I feel and have these beliefs, even though they are screwed up.
A new agonized crying about how difficult and scary it is to say “God.”***
Kit asks if this wave of emotions related to “God” can just be allowed to BE here too – just another thought, believed in. “You can just let it come, just receiving it. You just got scared again because of believing in those thoughts.”
Immediately peace when I recognize that all these thoughts are false. Not serious at all! And just wonderful that Kit reminds me about it. Another thought: “When you see M again, everything will be just as before.” It is full of hatred – and Kit suggests that I give it a hug
That’s what it needs. No judgment, no preaching. Just Love. It is so good for that thought to be allowed to be just as nastyhatefulrageing as it is.
In the second I have this last realization, a sign opens on my PC – (the italics are mine)
Iolo System mechanics: Fight stubborn PC (programmed mind) freezes and errors. Many chronic restarts, freezes and other frustrations can be fixed easily with Registry Tuner ( aligning with Truth)
HAH!”System mechanics.” Another name could be Holy Spirit
And the whole emotional storm just wanes and lies down like a cat in the sun.


***Absolutely every one of my hundreds of patients/students have felt the same way – and that’s why I could use the material of 25 years of investigation in my book “When fear comes home to Love.” You may look at it in the right menu.






Empty tomb

Guest post from Nichola. Our intention with our work is to allow old blocks to Love to be brought to the Light of Love, or Holy Spirit. This is how Nichola experienced it:

Yesterday I had a Skype session with Leelah.

The first thing I tell her was that I am feeling heavy – the heavy feeling has been with me all day.

The she asks me to describe it – I see a big heavy stone dragging me down, pulling me into the earth.

She asks: If it could be a person or a character what would it be?

I see a cartoon figure – it is a figure from a childhood bible called

Good News for Modern Man I didn’t like those graphics when I was a child.

Leelah ask me where it is:

The figure is sitting on a rock outside of a cave. I realize that it is sitting outside of the tomb of Jesus, but in fact the tomb is empty – it is completely hollow. That is because there never was any Jesus in the tomb, I realize. Nobody died for my sins – that was just a story. My body now feels hollow, like the tomb and the heaviness has dropped away. What a big surprise – nobody died for my sins and I am not guilty – it was just a story (laughing a little and enormously relieved and free feeling.

Leelah asks me if I can invite Love into the hollow tomb and the hollow space in my body.

My arms and legs are filled with golden light and my hands are buzzing with energy – I see that they are holding balls of golden light.

Leelah asks me where I want to put this light and I say into my heart and chest.

When I do this I see that inside the chest is like an abandoned cave – – a broken and sorrowful place.

As I bring the energy in from my hands, torches are lit up on the walls and everything starts to feel more comfortable and soft.

Leelah asks me if I see anyone. I see a woman with long blonde hair lying on a stone bed – at first I wonder if she is dead but I see that she is sleeping.

Leelah asks if she could be me, and I say yes. She is me but also she has been around a long time, a lot longer than me, and these two things do not seem to contradict each other.

Leelah asks is she has anything to say to me and I say yes – she asks me to love myself.


Then Leelah shows me how to be witness for her and I feel a little inadequate but try my best anyway. She is feeling a cold pain and a kind of metal band across her shoulders and a wave of black anger coming up.

Then she sees the tomb and enters it. Lots of hysterical giggling as the tomb is full of playful angels – angels pulling funny faces at her, pulling at their cheeks with their hands. We are both laughing a lot at this – and the idea that this story of our guilt and the tomb is just that – a story that the angels can make such a fun joke about.

After this:

Nichola is sending me 9 empty emails. When I ask her to look what they really say, she tells me that maybe they are 9 empty tombs.


We really need to get it hammered in, don’t we!


The idea of  a Son of God dying to save humanity is alive in Christians. This blog does not in any way want to mock the Christian religion – or any religion at all – just present Leelah’s path to awakening. That started in Protestantism, went deep into Catholicism, then into Mystery Schools of Kabbalah, Sufism and Advaita Vedanta. In those years I experienced these traditions in my own life, and one brought me harmoniously into the next – until I ended up with A Course in Miracles which shows us in clear detail the difference between illusions and reality.  Reality, The Course holds, is our Oneness with God – and the world with its individuals and thought-system of separation belongs to the Dream we all are dreaming – where the seemingly separated persons are nothing else than an outer picture of wrong-minded thoughts. As we notice these thoughts and forgive them, the outer world will start to mirror our healed state of mind, and the consequence is that we start to see through the old stories of pain, punishment and darkness.

The Course hold also that it is just one of hundreds thought-systems/religions which all will take us Home – the Course just lets us know that it is the fastest way. And I do want that 🙂

Seeing through illusion

Lying in bed just some minutes ago, sensing all the usual blocks and pains, and giving them all to Holy Spirit – and feeling absolutely no relief. Let’s say this is the most common of all of Leelah’s complaints – “This is no good, I am not heard. Therefore this is a PROOF that there is something in my mind resisting God that I have placed there subconsciously. (Of course – that is true.)”And since I feel no relief now, that is a P R O O F that this is stronger than God” Having heard this thought, the mind goes on, in its square logic: “And therefore this is hopeless. I am lost. Ego is stronger that God in me. Nothing I do helps. Oh vey is mir.” (I am not Jewish, but my mind finds those words so very expressive of lament.)

Then the thoughts start coming. They come in a rush, and I find myself noticing after each one: This is a thought from truth and God. The thoughts are loving, sparkling with humor and joy. Their truth is evident. After some minutes of this, I realize: “Hm – these thoughts from God come to me even though there is a part in my mind that is stronger than God – hm that simply does not compute – well then – I simply MUST be wrong that there is something that can block out God in my mind.

And now the relief that I wanted as proof is HERE 🙂

Tears are cascading, but no crying

Just a tremendous joy and relief of seeing through it:

I have not felt a connection to God many times because I believed in this thought:

“This physical pain/ this depression/ this sickness /fill in the blanks/ is proof that my ego is stronger than God. That hostile forces are stronger than God. That “evil” is stronger than God. And since other people can be free and happy, and I am not, there is something wrong with ME, special ME!”

And God – having created us as Himself, has given us this power: that what we believe in and say is true, becomes our reality.

Giving my God-given power to the thought “There is something that is stronger than God” makes it so for me.

Believing in the thought of separation makes this illusionary world.

Oh! The beauty of seeing the power that God has given me! And He has certainly not given it to a Leelah: it belongs to me as Self, The Son of God.

Oh what a chaos it would be if He gave it to humans. And – laughing out loud – the world we think we see is made by our delusional thoughts that we ARE humans- separate – and that it is possible to create outside God.

That insane thought, believed in, has seemingly made this insane world

Thank God it is not real

Thank God it is just a dream

And the joy of realizing: as convincingly terrible and serious and painful the illusion – our world – looks – only our belief in it as “real” upholds this image.

We all as one uphold this image of the world each and every second when we look at “sin, guilt and fear” and believe that what we see can be real and true.

From this moment I can with a full heart mean it when I forgive: all I forgive is illusions that never happened in reality – just in my dream that separation CAN be real


oh beauty


I may forget this too

and then I can take this paper that I wrote this down on and remind myself and giggle

I am going to copy it and put it in lots of pockets and purses

And I don’t mind that I will forget it- that is the very nature of the human

For the first time can I fully appreciate what Barbara has told me a thousand times – Pain is not real. Sickness is not real. ANYTHING that God did not create is not real – so just let it be, don’t take it seriously.

Now that thought is experienced as just a thought –  and seen through.

Oh the beauty and joy of seeing through illusions.

And because I have seen through its unreality, the release I always have searched for and not found, is here now.

















More questions

thank you, Leelah, for answers.

there are couple of places that you could clarify:
“there is much murkiness and heaviness rising to surface. I have learned to thank it and allow it to leave.”….
Question: Who/What /Where is the “I” that thanks and gives permission to leave?

Thank you for helping me see this: the I is a thought in the mind that placed itself on top of noticing/experiencing a sensation that was given the label murkiness. The I grabbed it and told itself that it didn’t like it, it was wrong,,it should not be there, it was scary, unknownish. Then there was an impulse to not take it seriously and just allow it to release. This impulse did not come from “me” – it just happened.

“It certainly often draws me back inside the familiar me-package” What is the ‘me’ that is drawn inside the ‘me-package’?. is there a me to draw in?

how would you answer these questions?

It feels liberating to bring this up – there seems to be a bunch of beliefs held on to by a strongly dissociated part. When I look at this, I see something like a confined space/enclosing capsule with a baby/toddler inside it. Tremendous anger,grief and fear is seen inside that space, and an identification with it is sensed. I recognize years and years where this bunch of torture was believed to be who I am – the feeling is so very known. There is a clear knowing that it is NOT me – me is the label put on top of all those terror-feelings. And what we think is “me” we protect. So as I see through this, and it is all recognized to be thoughts,sensations,images,memories and feelings which adds up to a felt-sense-me-in-danger – but not REAL – there is a relaxing. This is a healing process, and it is experienced that me-grabbing/adding is not so frequent any more.

I read your “deep looking-session” on your website, and have used this way of inquiry frequently to relate to this kind of blocks/repressions. When it is just welcomed and allowed to be, much tensions release and then there comes feelings of tenderness and love, realizing that what before was seen as dangerous are just gestalts,thought-forms that are in themselves neutral when they are not judged. And they are happening to no-one.
The “me” that seems to still hook “me” is often simply not seen through – but given a little time, the me is recognized and the seriousness slides off.
Maybe this process needs long time – there is no knowing for sure. But there is also willingness to allow stuff to be where it is.


Two approaches leading to the same peace

Kit and I am Skyping. She is telling me about Bruce Lipton’s awakening. As a biologist, he investigated the cellular make-up: for years and years he experimented with cells. He found that  removing the cell-nucleus from the cell, and keeping the membrane, the cell still survived for about a month.

Without the membrane – the “bridge” between the outer and the inner – the separated cell nucleus died instantly.

The specialness – the genes for red hair,musicality,colorblindness and black skin lies in the DNA. Life itself lies in the membrane – the connective tissue.

Lipton shares how he worked and worked, and through the years his insights “crystallized” until he had his awakening. Kit and I agree that we both are crystallizing too – everything we have been through is leading us to amazing synchronicities, people and information come to us in wondrous ways.

I share a process from this early morning: there were strong tensions behind my eyes as usual, leading to neck pain. Through the last 30 years I have found effective ways of addressing pain and discomfort with gentleness and communication – so also this morning, where I expressed a wish to hear the pain out – what it was all about, and why it felt the need to keep this habit of straining the muscles so much.

It told me the story of needing to have full control ALL THE TIME: noticing everything around me to find signs that baddies were lurching – scanning the mind to be on the outlook for inner baddies/demons/enemies – and having to, compulsively,do this constantly. One second’s rest could mean instant death and hell.

Talk about obsessive-compulsive disorder:-)

Having found the roots of the tension-making and looking at it with love, the tensions were releasing, tears flowing – showing me that even the tear ducts were afflicted with automatic tensions.

I feel asleep, and had a dream: hundreds of people were together at a farm in the country for playing – just playing. In almost every other dreams where I am with other people, somebody is always sabotaging, being angry,quarreling about “rules.” I am always the one who tries to uphold peace and arrange things in a good way – to no avail and to my great frustration, waking up irritated and exhausted.

This time, everybody in the dream were co-operating. All the games flowed effortlessly; we were all following the organic flow of the processes, nobody had to be special and make fuss.We were all enjoying ourselves, trusting each other.

Waking up, I realized how the dream mirrored a huge change in the mind – from controlling and separation to co-operation and play.

The Course’s approach to pain is radically different: since pain is not created by God, it is imagined and unreal.

I see that after I had worked with pain in the way I have used for so many years, I now felt free to take the Course’s approach – the forgive the belief in value of control, and deny the pain as real. Both approaches lead to freedom.

Something deep inside relaxed as I saw how much I have listened to ego’s voice that ONLY the Course’s approach is the acceptable one – meaning that every time I did a non-Course practice I would feel bad and guilty, and the ego would be satisfied. But of course, what is valuable is  following inner Guidance exposing blocks, and seeing the purpose of holding on to suffering and specialness.



Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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