For new followers:
I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me, as a sort of diary. A place where I could help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.
I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.
Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.
Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.
My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.
This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.
For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”
All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.
I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.
I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love
The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.
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And now, another sillybillynillywilly:
In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say